As some may already know, my sweet Mama went to be with the Lord at the end of February, and I will be honest in saying that I am not okay. I have good days still, but I have been turning to prayer or engaging into something uplifting for others as a way to cope. I do not know how long I will feel this way, but I do know that as time goes by, it becomes easier even in the midst of missing Mama.
I wanted to share what was on my heart for the past month. My mom and I were close- we had the typical mother and daughter disagreements, but we move on from whatever that may be to enjoy each others’ talks. My mom had a smartphone that she would sometimes accidentally call me, and for some reason that day I called back as I was not taking care of any errands. Mom and I chit-chatted for a little bit, but she did not sound herself. I told her she did not sound good and needed to get to her doctor. We made small talk for a few minutes after that about what I was doing with my writing and the giveaway I had completed for my blog. She didn’t respond to me as she was already tired on the phone, so I told her I loved her and I’d talk to her soon.
Fast forward a few hours later, after church, my sister text me saying mom was in the hospital and was not going to make it. Mom’s heart stopped twice. I could not call my sister fast enough as when I read that text, it made my mind become numb, if that is even a thing. All that went through my head was, “My mom is not going to make it.” I immediately started praying in my head as I felt sick to my stomach to speak aloud. My brother called me as I was praying and crying, and he said I needed to come to the hospital. The doctors did not have good news. I live further away than my brother and sister do, and we were being hit with such an awful thunderstorm at night. I told my brother that I’d be there first thing in the morning as I did not trust myself enough to drive in a late night storm upset. I maybe got only a couple of hours of sleep, and that wasn’t even combined. It was waking up, tears, falling asleep, and waking up again.
After I dropped Christopher off at school, I headed to go see Mama. There was on and off rain, and I admit that I had to fight back the tears as I was driving. But, the strangest feeling came upon me. I prayed and sang worship songs (with no music). I prayed that God would give us comfort, peace, and discernment as well as for the doctors to have spirit-led wisdom in the care of Mama. I felt warmth surround me as I was driving and the sky became lit up as I was worshiping. Though I did not know what was to come, that moment made me feel God’s presence of Him keeping this situation in His Hand and Will.
When I arrived, it was a completely different feeling as I had never seen my dad so upset along with my brother. I have seen my sister upset before, but it was something different seeing my big brother that way. My heart broke for Mama seeing her in the condition she was in. Out of respect for my family, I am omitting the traumatic details we had to endure and face during Mama’s seventeen days in the hospital. There were a few good days, and we got to speak to her when she did wake up. We prayed a lot over her, read the Bible to her, I read a book that she won in one of my blog giveaways, we showed pictures, and tried lightening the mood with some jokes for her. I joke that my brother is her favorite, and one of the days in the hospital when she was awake, he came in the room. I said, “There’s your favorite kid.” Mom rolled her eyes, which was the highlight for us.
We fought for Mama and came into agreement of options for when or if she was going to make it out of the hospital- what we could do, where she would go, and how we would take care of her. The day before my Mama and Daddy’s 40th Anniversary and my brother’s 39th birthday, her doctor took her breathing tube out and said he wanted us to celebrate with her. And, that is what we did. My brother got her permission (she was not able to speak as the breathing tube had been in her throat for a while) for us to take photos with her; she mouthed the word, “yes.” We each got photos with Mama; little did we know those would be the last photos we would have with her.
Mama had to have a treatment that required us to leave the room. We all didn’t say bye, but see you in a little while. As my brother, sister, Dad, and I were in the waiting area talking and eating a snack, Dad and Brandon heard, “Code Blue, Room ***.” We said, “That’s Mom’s room!” We ran to her room where a chaplain met us and medical staff was in her room. They did not allow us in there, and we were taken to a consultation room. The feeling was unlike any other feeling I experienced- I did not feel like I was there and that this was just a really bad dream I was trying to wake up from.
After half an hour, her doctor came in saying she barely had a pulse but would most likely go again. He wouldn’t revive her again as she would be suffering. He said we need to go spend our last moments with Mama. We got in there and there was a different atmosphere like as we told Mama we loved her and thanked her for being an important part of our lives. My sister-in-law brought our kids and she sprinted to make it in time to say something to Mama as she passed.
The next day after we went home that night, my sister-in-law and niece went to the store to get the most purplest cake you can ever see. Purple was Mama’s favorite color, and we surprised Dad for their 40th anniversary.
I admit that I am grieving my own way to find a way to cope with this. How long will it take, I do not know. But, my thoughts go back to something my six year old said to my Mama, “I love you Maunea. Jesus will fix you soon.” The kids left before Mama had her treatment, and somehow Christopher knew she was going Home. He said to me that he knew that “Maunea” was going to get a new body soon. I don’t know why, but what my six-year-old son said brought me comfort in a way that I did not expect. It was as if it were God bringing me the comfort that I would need to learn to mourn as I seek Him. It is easy to not want to turn to God when something heartbreaking happens, but that is the most crucial time to seek Him so that you can let healing begin in your heart. As I mourn, I know that I am healing each day I turn to God.