If you take a look at my last few blog posts, you’ll notice that they are product reviews, and the most recent heartfelt post was from March 2019. It was about my experience with the loss of my Mom. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let anything keep me from writing because Mom wouldn’t want me to stop.
But, I stopped. Well, I avoided it rather. I felt a void in me that hindered the flow of words to come from my mind to screen. I put my efforts to product reviews because I was focused on something different instead of letting God work through my heart to write as He called me to do.
As a result, anxiety, tiredness, anger, and bitterness overtook my thoughts and emotions to the point where I’d rather sleep (lose sleep most nights) or do the bare minimum when it came to doing anything. I still talked and prayed to God, but my quality time was sparing as I felt lost when I was ready to open my heart to Him. To be honest, my joy was lacking.
I never blamed God for my Mom’s passing, and I was not angry with Him. I did wonder, “What is Your purpose behind all this?” many times. I was trying to comprehend how to handle mourning in a way that was “spiritually healthy.” Yet, I struggled a great deal to find a new normal as I was trying to seek God with a broken heart. I miss my Mom everyday, and I found something that brought me much comfort. My Mom’s life on earth left an imprint on others as she loved others the way Jesus would, and Home was waiting for her as she completed her work. I know that over time, I will learn and grow through this, and that will become a comfort for myself and others.
During this time, I learned something about myself, and it was a prayer answered from a long time ago- the root of my anxiety. I am certain that God would have revealed it regardless of Mom’s passing, but in that time period, I learned that I avoid confrontations (or conversations) as a way to unknowingly “people please.” That was like a band-aid ripped off from me, but I am seeking healing so that I can fully surrender this mess that anxiety created. God never intended for me to live in that frame of mind; however, He will most definitely use what I go through to help others. This current experience will become another post in the future as I move forward in God’s loving guidance.
Turning to Scripture has been the most healing and insightful approach during my time of grief. To end the kindness, the love, the compassion, and the forgiveness because Mom is not here would be unthinkable for me. I learned through my time with God that I must surrender- just as we surrender our struggles and sins- my emotions so He can use them to turn into something beautiful. God created my Mom so He could do His work through her to pass down His greatest gift to her family and those she would encounter- Grace. To know that her purpose was to share Grace, and she is filled with joy now, that brings new meaning to Psalm 30:11 to me. I can have joy in the midst of sadness because my loss is only temporary as Mom and my other loved ones are happily waiting for us to return Home.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy
Psalm 30:11, NLT
To be honest, I didn’t want to write this, but I felt God nudging me. I am glad I listened because as I typed, He showed me a new light of the Scripture I mentioned. God works in ways we never expect, and when we obey to His subtle whispers, we grow. I pray that this blesses you as it blessed me.